Ok. So, you will not even believe this or anything, but I have totally like fallen off the cliff called sanity or something and into like this swirling whirlpool of like stupidity and hurty feelings, only not like general hurty feelings like the hurty feelings you like totally get when you have to like look in the direction of old people or something, but the hurty feelings that are totally directed at me by the so called people that so called love me, or something. I mean, I cannot even believe what is happening unto me at this point in time, you know? It's like what did I ever do to deserve this kind of pain and humiliation, you know?

I thought it was going to like be such a good, you know, evening, because Billy like called me at work and he goes, "Princess? Are you sitting down?"

And I go, "um, yeah. It's like I'm a lawyer, ok? What would you expect me to be doing? Gymnastics?"

And he goes, "o. Good. Because I have a surprise for you."

So I go, "a surprise? I like totally love surprises! Was it expensive?"

And he was all, "it's the most expensive thing I've ever bought you."

So I go, "Oh, Billy! What is it? What did you buy me?"

And he goes, "I can't tell you that because if I did it would totally ruin the surprise!"

So I go, "Billy Goldenberg! Don't you be mean to me, ok? Don't you like be mean!"

And he goes, "Wear your green dress and the shoes I told you would match it, and put your hair up. Then meet me at my restaurant at eight tonight."

So, I like totally spent the whole day just, like, totally spazzing out or something, you know? It's like I was so totally excited I just couldn't even believe it. I mean, my Billy bought me a surprise and it was totally like expensive! And when a model buys you an expensive present, that is like totally the best feeling a girl could ever like get in her whole life, you know?

So, I dressed just like Billy told me and I met him at his restaurant and he was totally looking, like, super hot in his like green suit which totally hangs off his body just like it's supposed to on account of Billy being a model or something and totally knowing how to like wear clothes just right and also complimenting the clothes with his like perfect model teeth and his cute little model hair cut. And also he only has like 4% body fat so he just looks hot no matter what he's wearing, or like NOT wearing, you know?

And we sat down to dinner and I was like, looking in the potato and in my glass and in the dessert cart and everywhere for my jewelry, you know? I was like where is it, where did he like hide my present, you know? Where did he put it? And Billy goes, "Princess, why have you ripped open all the bread?"

So I go, "I'm just checking to see if the bread is still warm, or something."

And he goes, "you're looking for your present, aren't you?"

And I go,"no."

So he goes, "well it isn't here. After dinner I'll take you to it."

So I go, "I'm not hungry."

And he goes, "Ok. Let's hit the road."

So we're like driving along in his car and I'm like looking out the window and I'm all, "where are we going?"

And he was all, "you'll see!"

And I was all, "Tell me tell me tell me! Now now now!"

And then I look outside and I start to notice that we're like headed into like this like totally bad area, if you know what I mean. I could like see Mexicans, ok? Outside the car window, ok? I mean, it was that B-A-D.

So I go, "Billy, lock your door, ok? And where are we? Why are you like driving me into this neighborhood?"

And he goes, "you'll see!"

So I go, "I don't want to see anymore. I'm frightened. I want to go home now."

And he goes, "We're almost home."

And then he drives around behind this like recycling plant and he pulls into this like complex and he winds around inside the complex and pulls into a space or something and I thought I was going to get killed. So I go, "get me out of here right now, ok? Don't you see the Mexicans?"

And he goes, "they're mostly Puerto Rican. Now wait right there and let me come get you."

So he comes around to my side of the car and he lifts me up in his strong model arms and he like starts carrying me up to this door which is like standing open and he carries me into this like vacant structure and sets me down so I like stand on my tip toes, so the very smallest part of me is in contact with the floor and then he like kisses me and goes, "welcome home, Princess. Welcome to our new home!"

So I look at him and I go, "what are you talking about?"

And he goes, "I bought this condo for you. For us. It's our first home!"

And I start to like look around and it totally looks like one of those houses you see on the news where like a woman who is like losing her hair or something stands out on the porch and yells at the camera man, "help me help me! The roaches done carried off my baby! Done picked her up and carried her away and no tellin' what they gonna do to my baby when they got her off secret like that! Help me help me!"

So I go, "What are you talking about?"

And he goes, "the structural engineer says we'll need two posts for the foundation, and she needs a new roof, and there doesn't seem to be any glass left in any of the windows, but she's ours, Princess! Just think how much fun we'll have fixing her up! Oh, that smell is coming from the carpet, but we'll get some Glade Plugins.

So I go, "I can't live here. Are you like out of your mind?"

And he goes, "I know it's not perfect, but it's all I could afford on my waiter's salary. The broker said I was getting a hell of a deal."

So I go, "Billy Goldenberg, I hope you kept the receipt, because I am not going to like live here, ok? There are Mexicans outside, or Puerto Ricans or whatever they are, and there is no way I could like bring a baby home to live here, ok? I am not going to move to the ghetto. You'll just have to return it or something."

So he goes, "you can't just return a townhouse."

And I go, "you better find a way, ok? You find a way!"

So he goes, "I thought you'd be happy. I just wanted to make you happy."

So I start to cry, you know? And I wanted to pass out, but I was afraid to like pass out or somthing because then more of my skin would like be in contact with the townhouse and I might get some kind of infection or something, you know? So I go, "take me home, ok? Just like take me home. You know? I thought you were a model. But models don't make mistakes, so you must just be a man."

And Billy like broke down in tears right there and I would have stormed out of that place if I hadn't been so afraid of the Mexicans. So I grabbed him by his hair and I go, "you better get it together and take me to my REAL home right now."

So we got back in the car and like totally drove home in like silence or something. And when we got to my mom's place I got out of the car and I go "don't call me, don't come over, don't send me any email until you get rid of that townhouse. Oh, and it might be a good idea to have jewelry, ok?"

And I slammed the car door and I totlly like, went inside. I mean, what was he thinking? I thought he was a model!