Ok. So, you are not even going to like believe this or anything because what I am going to tell you now is like totally unbelievable. So, I'm going to tell you, but when I'm done you are gonna be all, "that was totally unbelievable unto me." And I'm going to be all, "I know! I told you how totally unbelievable it would be before I even started. I mean I totally said unto you, 'this will be unbelievable, so totally get ready for it,' which was like a warning to your unbelievability senses in your heart."

Well, I'm still not speaking to Billy, my fiancé, who is like a model with like four percent body fat or something and perfect white teeth and a totally cute little model hair do or something, because he still owns a townhouse in a Mexican neighborhood and tried to like give it to me as a surprise, but I am not a Mexican, ok? It's like, why would I want to live with all those Mexicans, you know? If I were Mexican then maybe I'd want to live with a bunch of Mexican, but probably, I'd want to move someplace where there weren't so many Mexicans so it would look less like I was from Mexico and more like I was an American, you know?

So anyway, I'm spending my evenings home with my mom, or something, and I was at home and I've been like so like sick that I totally lost a lot of weight. So I was trying on Grace, which is my dress, which is named for Princess Grace on account of she was my favorite princess ever and I'm having a Princess Perfect Wedding and since everyone is looking at the beautiful princess bride on her wedding day, I thought that like the best way to honor Princess Grace was to name my dress after her so that everyone would be looking at me, but like subliminally or something they would also be doing a little curtsey in their spirits to Princess Grace, the greatest and most beautiful princess to ever rule them.

Anyway, I was trying on Grace and she totally was like too big for me now, you know? It's like I'm here and I'm super, super tiny or something and here's Grace and she's like totally too big for me, you know? It's like hello! She's too big. Except in the bust line where she might have to be taken out a little, but I'll have to consult a seamstress of something before I really know. So I'm getting like totally upset about my princess perfect wedding, which might be ruined on account of my dress being too big now, and I hear my mom like screaming, you know? She's like totally like screaming or something.

So I go running around the house trying to follow the sound of the screaming, you know? And I get to the kitchen, but I don't see my mother, but I hear her real loud and then I realize that she is like outside or something. She's like out side of the kitchen window. So I climb up on the sink, which was totally difficult in a satin dress and a petticoat or something, and I look out the window and I see my mom out there and she's like holding up a trash can lid in front of her or something. And she's totally screaming and looking off in the distance, so I go, "Mom! What is it? What is the matter?"

And she goes, "Princess! There's a pack of wild foxes out here by the trash cans! I think they may be rabid! Please, you've got to open the garage door so I can get back in! They're blocking my way to the back door! They won't let me get back to the door! Please, Princess, go now! Open the garage door!"

So I go, "but, ma! I'm like wearing my dress! I've got Grace on right now, you know!"

And she goes, "so what? Open the door, Princess! Open the door! I can see their eyes shining in the darkness. They're growling at me, Princess! Open the door!"

So I go, "that is like so selfish, ma! I mean, if I open the door, one of the foxes might like get in and might totally damage Grace or something. I can't believe you'd be so selfish!"

So she goes, "the lead one is baring it's teeth! Oh my God! Princess, open the door right this minute!"

So I go, "just wait there, ma. I'll get help."

And then I was like panicking, you know? It's like there's a pack of rabid foxes that are totally like cornering my mom and they had probably already seen Grace when I was at the window and because foxes are totally like attracted to beautiful shiny things I know they wanted to eat Grace, so I like couldn't think what to do, you know?

So finally, I just like took a lot of deep breaths and I totally like tried to block my mom's screams out of my head and just listen to the Holy Spirit which lives inside me and that was totally like difficult because my mom can totally like scream or something. But when I finally calmed down enough to hear the Word of God I knew what to do.

So I called Billy and I go, "YOU BETTER GET OVER HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE BECAUSE MY MOM IS CORNERED BY A PACK OF FOXES AND THEY WANT TO TOTALLY LIKE RIP MY DRESS TO SHREDS AND I NEED MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, MY PRINCE, MORE THAN I HAVE EVER NEEDED HIM BEFORE! HELP, BILLY! WE NEED HELP!"

And then I hung up and I ran into my bedroom to change out of Grace and hang her up in the closet because I knew Billy was coming over and I knew he would probably see me and I knew he couldn't see Grace before our wedding on account of that's bad luck.

So finally I come out and my mom is still like totally screaming because, hello! She's being attacked by foxes! Hello! You'd scream too! And I can see her out in the back yard and she's like totally dirty and she's got a stick and she's like hitting the foxes on the head if they get too close or something and I just couldn't watch because it was too scary for me, you know! I mean it was totally like scary to think that one of the foxes might get my mom or something.

So I went upstairs to watch Touched by an Angel on PAX and I like fell asleep while I was watching it on account of being so tired after being so upset about my dress being totally too big. And pretty soon, Billy was standing there and he was totally caressing my hair and it was like three in the morning or something. So I go, "hey, Billy. I've missed you." And then I remembered that I'm totally pissed at him about that Mexican townhouse, so I go, "what are you doing here? You know I said not to come here without jewelry!"

And he goes, "I just wanted to let you know that I brought your mom back from the hospital. She's going to have to have a course of rabies shots, but other than that she's fine. They say the scaring to her face and arms will be light."

So I go, "but where's my jewelry, Billy!"

And he goes, "listen, they're booking me, ok? I killed five of the seven foxes and it's not hunting season. I'm going to the station to post bond and then I'm going to need someone to represent me at my trial. I was hoping my Princess would do that for me."

So I go, "is that all I am to you? Free counsel? Well, I'm a grown woman and it's going to like cost you for my services! I totally prefer diamonds to rubies and emeralds to sapphires. Now get out, ok? Get out."

I'm just trying to like get married here, ok? It's not like I'm asking all that much.