Ok. So, as you know it's been just a horrible week for me, or something. I mean, it's like I totally had to spend it in the, you know, hospital because I'm totally like sick or something. I mean, this hospital is like really light on the customer service, you know what I mean? And it's like I don't even want to get into the whole thing about the afternoon nurse or something. I mean, it's like I don't want to even like, you know, get into it.

But that afternoon nurse is like a total bitch or something. I mean have you ever like seen someone who is a total bitch and then realized, you know, she's a total bitch? It's like that, you know what I mean?

Here. Let me like give you an example of what I'm talking about. Now, I'm here in the hospital because I'm totally like sick and in a lot of pain on account of they found seven cysts on my right ovary and two on my fallopian tube and also one of them has burst, but most of them just keep growing and then I've also got cysts on my kidneys, and my colon is like totally like inflamed. Well, when you've got as many like cysts as I have you totally like feel like you've got cancer or something. I mean, I thought it was cancer at first. I was all, "it better not be cancer, because I had cancer before and I'm not doing that again, ok?"

But anyway, the point is that I'm like totally in like so much like pain. And I come here to the hospital to like get taken care of, ok? It's like that's their job in the hospital. To totally provide care to the sick people and models that come here for caring, ok? So, yesterday afternoon, I was like watching tv from my bed and Maury Povich totally like ended, and I always watch Bewitched on the Superstation after Maury, you know? So I reached for the remote control and I must have missed it because I'm totally taking like a whole bunch of cyst shrinking narcotics or something and the remote fell off the bed and onto the like floor.

So, I call the nurse to like come get the remote for me because A. it's her job and B. I'm the customer and C. the customer is always right and D. it's her job. So she takes like forever, ok? It's like Jenny Jones comes on right after Maury goes off and I don't watch the Jenny show because she is not a Christian at all, ok? She's like totally un-Christlike on her show. Not like Maury at all, ok? It's like just watching Maury I can totally like tell he's a Christian. Like this one time he was giving make overs to like little gimpy deforms and I go, "that is the most Christian thing I have ever seen in my life. I mean, those little like deforms totally feel like models even though the could never ever ever be models on account of being deformed like that. That Maury is a total Christian!"

Now Jenny, on the other hand, is totally Un-Christlike, ok? I was watching one time before and there was like this sixteen year old girl who wanted to get married to her tattoo model boyfriend and her mom was like totally against it. So Jenny took that girl and you will not even believe this, but Jenny took that poor girl and put her in like boot camp or something with like these totally played camo pants and stuff and told her she could not get married! I mean can you even believe that? I mean, the Christian thing to do would totally have been like to send the mom, who was totally un-modelesque btw (which means "by the way"), to boot camp and have some big black guy yell at her and tell her that when a model proposes to a girl you like don't stand in the way of her dreams even if he's not like a full body model but only a like foot model or hand model or even a tattoo model, because models don't just grow on trees, ok? I mean I should know that, ok?

So I'm like laying there in my bed and the remote is like totally like on the floor or something and, you know, Jenny is like on, and I'm missing Bewitched and it was totally the second part of a two parter in which Esmerelda has totally screwed up her magic again and this time she's zapped George Washington and Martha in to Samantha's house and George is all, "I'm a total general!" And in the mean time Darren is like totally bringing Larry and a client home for an important martini meeting about advertizing and it totally looks like Larry is like going to run into Gorge Washington or something like that!

And now it's been like ten minutes and that afternoon nurse has not even responded when I called her and the remote is like on the floor and I'm missing the second part of a two parter so I totally like, just start to like scream, you know? It's like I'm all "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" or something.

So anyway, once I start screaming, here comes the nurse, you know? It's like here she comes and she's looking all worried and she's not even wearing a little hat with a cross on it or anything. I mean, she doesn't even look like a nurse, she just totally looks like a woman in her pajamas, ok? So she goes, "what's the matter, Princess? Why are you screaming?"

So I go, "I have never seen crappier service anywhere in my life! I called you ten minutes ago, ok? I pressed the button ten minutes ago!"

So she goes, I was in the middle of giving Mr. Crabtree a sponge bath. I was on my way, Princess. What's the problem?"

So I go, "I dropped the remote on the floor and I can't reach it and I'm having to watch the Jenny Jones show, which is totally against God and against Christians, of which I am one, and I'm totally like missing the second part of a two parter, ok? That's what's wrong."

So she just kind of stands there looking at me and then she goes, "that call button is for medical assistance. It should be used when you're in pain or something. We do rounds to check for stuff like dropped remotes."

So I go, "Listen, you don't get to talk to me like that, ok? It's like who's paying your salary, huh? Who? It's like this is worse service than the Holiday Inn in Topeka, and I never thought I'd be staying anywhere worse than that. I mean, they totally only give you one pillow there. Have you ever heard of such a thing? And this is worse than that, ok? It's like you're worse than that, or something!"

So she goes, "this is not a hotel. This is a hospital. I don't think you understand the difference."

So I go, "let me just tell you what I understand, bitch. I understand that you're not doing your job, ok? It's like do your job! You need to totally check your like attitude at the door or I'm going to write a letter to your boss that will get you fired, ok? I mean, do you even realize that I'm a lawyer? Do you know what a letter from a lawyer can do to the job of someone who spends her days wiping up other people's poo? So you better start like treating me with respect and totally rethinking your little position here, ok? OK. Now hand me the remote and get me some crushed ice chips because now that you've like made me yell at you, my throat is like a little sore."

So, you know, that's what it's totally been like all week, ok? It's like these people around here don't like understand their place or something.

I mean, about the only good thing that's like happened all week was when the doctor came in to look at the results of my cat scan with me and I was like holding Billy's hand because I was totally like scared it was going to be cancer again or something even worse, ok? And the doctor goes, "blah blah blah cyst blah blah."

And then he goes, "but I did want to bring this to your attention. I couldn't help but notice in this image here and in this one as well, that Princess has the most beautiful liver. See that? See? And here too. See? I've shown these to my colleagues and discussed it with some of them and I can't help but be impressed with the condition, the shape, the density of your liver, Princess. Your pancreas too, to a lesser extent."

So I go, "doctor, tell me. If you were going to like take pictures of a liver for like a text book, or an ad campaign featuring designer clothes or colognes, would you want to like take pictures of my liver for such like purposes as that?"

And the doctor goes, "it is the most ideal liver I've ever seen in all my years of practice. Though I can't imagine using a photo of a liver to sell clothes."

So Billy like kisses me right there and he goes, "you know what this means, don't you Princess? You know what this mean, right?"

So I go, "Tell me, Billy! I totally want to hear it come from you!"

And he goes, "This means that my fiancé has a model's liver! I've never been so happy! Oh, Princess!"

And then he ran out of the room and down to the smoke shop and when he came back he had a box of cigars and was totally like running around the halls of the hospital handing them out and goin, "my baby has a hot liver! I'm marrying a liver model!" And that totally made me feel all like tingly, you know? It's like I got all tingly.